For the past six weeks, give or take a day or three, I’ve felt like I’m living life on the edge of my seat. Like there is always a task I’ve forgotten, a place that I should be, a call I didn’t return.

Our lives been a little hectic. Jack and Chanel went to dog book camp to learn some manners; we just picked them up today so I’ll update on how successful it was. We had our floors done, translated, for about a week and a half all of our furniture was stuffed in a pod, behind a pod, in the back yard, in the basement; I couldn’t open the refrigerator without moving a table.

I feel weird whining about the stress of sending the dogs to training and doing some work on the house. But it was stressful. Layered on top of the stress of reading the news and living in the world in June, 2025. Maybe I should correct that to “living in these United States in the springtime of 2025”.

I’ve only found peace when I’m walking Bernadette around the neighborhood, headphones smashed on both ears, old playlists turned up so loud my phone scolds. I’ve found peace in the pool, sliding through water, one lap freestyle, the return backstroke. Deep dives to the bottom where I find leaves, hair ties, forgotten toy soldiers and headless Barbies.

I find peace as I fall into bed, slide under sheets, the whisper of an air conditioner, and the promise of sleep, and dreams, and the quieting of my mind, while I sleep.

The dogs are home. The table is where it belongs and the paintings are hung on the walls, mostly.

I’m hoping the uneasy weight around my shoulders will loosen and that I won’t need to immerse my thoughts in pop music, chlorine, pond water, or sleep made easy with chemicals.

It is summertime, and I am a summertime kind of girl.

This woman just needs to remember what that feels like, or figure out where the hell she went.

Springtime came late this year in New England. We’ve lit the pellet stove every morning and each night. The cold has lingered and is starting to creep in now, as I write and the sun begins to set. I like the purr of the chips falling through the shoot, the warm air as it drifts up, and settles on my forearms and ankles. I like pulling a cashmere sweater around my shoulders while I hold onto to coffee and take deep sips. It takes me a while to wake, I appreciate the slow moments in the morning as the house warms and I wait for the rest of me to follow.

We had guests this weekend from my hometown of Mountain Lakes, New Jersey. So I skipped the gym, and enjoyed long, dog walks over the golf course and along the trails of Cunningham. We ventured to Plymouth for the afternoon, where we briefly joined a protest, and stumbled on a craft fair. A closing coffee shop made me a cappuccino, probably because I looked desperate. My husband made sure to show Amy and John Plymouth Rock, as underwhelming as ever. When we left we headed over to meet their son and daughter-in-law for dinner at a little Thai place in Braintree. Anchan doesn’t typically take reservations but when I explained I had guests, and we were a party of five, they made an exception.

We had wine and beer with dinner, Amy and May had fancy cocktails with flowers floating in them; the guys had cold beer in frosty bottles. We nibbled on shumai and spring rolls, duck, chicken, and squid. There was no room for dessert.

We came home, walked the dogs around the block, but just once, then settled into a show and an early bedtime. I was tired, brick tired, like I had run a marathon, cured cancer, or cleaned out my closet.

And then we woke to Easter, the most glorious day we’ve had so far. There was church, good friends, communion, a party this afternoon, and another slow dog walk around the duck pond.

It was a lazy, long, weekend, with one more day left to spend how I please. With friends. With dogs. With Netflix. Tomorrow, I can do whatever the hell I want.

And what a blessing, a gift, and a luxury, this weekend, and the days of my life, are.

My kids are close, and I know where they will sleep. My friends are all citizens, and though they go to rallies, sign petitions, organize protests, are, for right now, not in danger of being picked up BY an unmarked car and masked men.

I don’t have to wake up in a prison, in a jungle, on a floor. Or in a holding cell, waiting to use the phone. I don’t have to glance over my shoulder when I walk down the street or check the news for where ICE has been seen recently.

Because of genetics and luck, so far, the dark that is descending on families all over this country and all over the world, it has mostly touched me while I’m on my sofa, reading the NY Times on the phone.

Yes, it was a lovely, lazy, Easter weekend with the people I love and people who love me. But how comfortable and content can I be when the world around me is growing dim, where hope is flickering as calls don’t come, where others might never know an easy sleep or a slow, spring, morning again.

I do not have enough time left on this planet to count all my blessings. I just wish I could pass some of them on.

Speak out. Speak loud.

Speak for those who have been silenced, for those who will be silenced, for those who might have just been thrown into the back of a van five minutes ago or are being marched onto a plane, hands shackled, wrists shackled, to a destination, far away from this place we call the land of the free.

Peace. Happy Easter. I’m praying for miracles. You?

Monday March 2025 Blues.

March 25, 2025

Today, it is raining and cold here in the Boston area. I worked from home, perched on a kitchen chair whose rattan seat sags, the dogs have nibbled on the caning, and three of them are out in the trash in front of the house, (the chairs, not the pups). I could end up on the floor before I’m done writing, or my bottom could fall in, and I could end up stuck, like a sad Winnie the Pooh, with no Piglet around for rescue.

Bernadette, our tiny, weird Frenchie, was chilled after her morning walk. I took her wet collar off and promptly lost it. Or Jack stole it, and it’s now somewhere out in the back yard in the dark, in the mud.

While cooking dinner, searching for soy sauce, I grabbed the coconut aminos from tippy top shelf and dropped them. The bottle shattered, brown, sticky liquid, shards of glass, all over the floor.

I went for the mop. While mopping, I somehow managed to break the mop, the sponge piece came out of the center while I was trying to wring the damn thing out in the sink. There was a lot to ring out, and still a lot left on the tile.

I used all the dishrags, and the floor only sticks a little when I walk across it.

I can’t take the dogs for a walk; Bernadette has no collar, Chanel has already gone upstairs to bed, disgusted with having to do her business in our dark, muddy, back yard. Jack is bouncing from couch to floor, from outside, to his pillow by the pellet stove.

Dinner was good, I guess. I used too much rice vinegar, I think, but hopefully it will taste better tomorrow because I will be eating it for a week.

The world outside my door, and further beyond our own little corner of Massachusetts, is raging. People are scared. People are angry. I’ve saved all the upcoming events at my church to the calendar- the potlucks, the marches, the singalongs. It feels like nothing but it’s something. It’s something.

I had to turn off the notifications from the Times on my phone. The news has to wait until the end of the day on work days, but I work in higher education and who knows what’s going to happen.

It was a Monday, I tell myself. It is time to floss, wash, pajama, slide cool overpriced serum and then cool, overpriced moisturizer on my face. More of them same, but different products, under my eyes.

It is time to take out my lenses. After that, the house will look a bit cleaner.

I feel like a failure because I broke a bottle and lost a collar. I feel like a failure I’m sitting in a chair that should have been tossed weeks ago. I feel like a failure because usually, when I feel like a failure, I take the dogs for a walk; the night sky, and the stars put things in perspective.

I guess I can look out the window.

The gift of tomorrow, for those of us blessed enough to have tomorrows to look forward to, is inestimable. I can’t find it in my heart to feel anticipation, or believe in it’s promise.

But I haven’t looked out the window yet. Or curled up on the sofa, with three, noisy, damp, dogs, who have already forgiven me for not taking them out for their walk.

And the chair didn’t collapse, so that’s something.

It’s been a quiet end of winter/beginning of spring season. The warmth, the sun, the first sight of crocuses, have not left my heart giddy and untethered, anxious for more, and joyful being able to walk a block in a tee-shirt and jeans.

With everything going on, my mood has been both somber and blessed. I have less to say than usual, I’m busy trying to make sense of the world and the people making noise in the world. I’m taking note of everything I have to be grateful for; it seems more important these days to appreciate everything I have to be grateful for.

The dogs make me laugh. Chanel is already upstairs waiting for me to join her in bed. Jack just brought me a moccasin he found in the back yard that looks more like part of a eviscerated rabbit than a shoe. Bernadette shimmies her butt every time I walk in the door, but only some of the time. I need to figure out what inspires her. Maybe she knows something we don’t.

There are the crocuses, the brave flowers of early spring. Ours are purple, and they are hidden behind a bush.

I’m not sure what to say to friends; we commiserate, we talk about our kids, how much sleep we’ve been sleeping, what we do when we can’t, a cold front, the temperature for the weekend and make gentle or barbed comments about the people in our lives. Whose husband stopped shaving. What seventeen year old only calls his mom “bro”. Which parent doesn’t want to move to assisted living but can’t remember to turn off the flame on the stove.

We promise to make time for a meal or a follow up call. There are pauses, long drawn out sighs, and things that aren’t really spoken about unless that can of worms opens, in which case we stay on the phone until we find an excuse to hang up.

There is food to be tended or a dog to be walked. Clothes to be thrown in the wash.

Yes, I am somber. But with all this gravity, there is also the weight and the luxury of blessings.

The obvious ones and the tiny graces like clean sheets, the upcoming Easter celebration at a friend’s, a call from Katy that I wasn’t expecting, coming across a poem I wrote a long time ago inside a paperback novel that I can’t decipher at all so it must be brilliant. There is the sliding my toes inside the sneakers that make me want to skip, the occasional amazing hair day, and the unexpected voice of Joe Cocker blaring out of my radio station, from a million years ago, asking if I’m feeling allright.

No, I’m not feelin’ too good myself.

But maybe I am.

I am somber and blessed, and brave, like a crocus. It’s early spring. Maybe giddy will come along, soon, for a while anyway.

I just need to make space.

It’s over thirty degrees tonight. I clipped the leashes on Bernadette and Jack and took them out walking after work.
It was still a little bit light. Everything is still covered in snow, patches of ice shine on the sidewalks.
We were able to take our time, as it grew dark, we kept walking.

We saw no one outside but when I peered into windows, I spotted people sitting down to dinner, or in front of the news, living rooms with coffee tables with nothing on them, and dining rooms set with plates and glasses. I couldn’t imagine anyone every throwing a temper tantrum or spilling a glass of red wine in any of these tiny, warm worlds I was spying on, as I slid down the street, two dogs, pulling, nose cold, my breath, white and transparent. But maybe that was because I only peeked into the houses with the curtains open, shades pulled.

I thought of home, with the coupons on the table, the leashes on the floor, the pile of laundry, nest of stray socks and the dusty can of tomato soup in the back of the cupboard.

We kept walking, until my fingers grew stiff, and I saw Bernie shiver under her coat.

When I walked in the door, a wall of warmth hit me from the pellet stove, and Katy’s music was playing a little too loud.

Katy was sprawled on the sofa with Casey, looking at photos from their trip to Cuba and to Chanel, curled up at the end of the sofa, gazing at Kate. There were dishes in the sink, but she’d put away groceries and wiped down the counters.

If someone looked inside at me, from outside our house, through the big picture window, they’d see a woman on a computer, at a table, with a half-eaten bowl of yogurt and blueberries next to her. They would probably see me turn and talk to Katy, or call one of the dogs over, because life is better with a dog near your slippers, as long as those slippers are not in their mouth.

They would see me, home from a walk, and happy to be here.

Thoughts on my marriage.

February 18, 2025

Sheldon’s working tonight; I haven’t seen him since he dropped me off for work at 745 this morning.

A few minutes ago, I went downstairs to our bedroom to check on Michael the cat and find some slippers.

He’d made the bed before he left; he filled up the humidifier and it looks like he attempted to do something about the nightmare of socks on the laundry table.

When he makes the bed, the blankets are even on both sides. The pillows are fluffed, the comforter is neatly folded at the end.

All the stray glasses are gone from the nightstand, my eyeglasses have been placed high on the dresser. (Jack ate my glasses a year ago, Shel still hasn’t recovered, and the replacement pair is very fancy.)

Our conversations revolve around how much he slept, (never enough, I remind him he should stop watching war movies at 2 am and the impact on his lifespan, only getting five hours of sleep,) the dogs- how long they walked, if Chanel lost her sweater, if they ate their breakfast. If it’s too cold for the dogs, or too warm.

We talk about our kids, a little. When Kate’s home, more so, but pretty much based on the dishes in the sink or her current demeanor, we smugly agree on how lovely she is or how long it will be until she recognizes that she is too old not to least soak her egg pan.

About Colin, we worry about his mood, we compare notes on how he looked on Facetime. Colin worries us both, and there isn’t a damn thing we can do, but we call him a lot and I send him pictures of Chanel.

Sheldon worries about me, when he’s working, what I’ll have for dinner, how I’ll manage the dogs by myself when it’s icy.

He never needs to ask me how much I slept, I’m always asleep long before him, and if I can’t sleep, I will share that. Repeatedly. I do not do well on less than eight hours.

It doesn’t sound like a lot.

We worry about each other; we listen to each other. (I’ve stopped doing wordle in the car on the way to work. It was hard to give up, but marriage is sacrifice.)

We’ve heard almost all of the stories, and we don’t like the same shows.

But my husband made the bed for this morning, because he knew that tonight, it would make me happy.

So, we’re good.

If you know him, maybe you could mention he should get more sleep.

I’m writing this in my kitchen, at a table with a log centerpiece and branches studded with holly. There is scented hand soap and a bag of homemade candy by the sculptured pitcher my daughter brought home from college. We don’t have holiday napkins; stores are already displaying napkins for Valentines, so we’ll have to make beige paper squares from the coffee shop.

I’m a little bit sad. I’m writing this here, instead of posting on social media, because I don’t want my words to seem like I’m looking for sympathy or heart emojis. I’m putting thoughts to keyboard because this is how I handle whatever is weighing me down, or lifting my heart.

It’s simple. This year, somewhere along the way, I lost some friends. Not to death, to a new baby, or because of a long distance move. Not sure how or why they have faded off the radar. But they did, and I miss them.

I have tried, periodically, over the past few months to reconnect, but when you are told, many times, “let me let you go, I have to take this call,” or texts are answered days later, it’s time.

That’s part of being alive, I suppose, and having friends. Life happens and sometimes we need to clean out the people in our lives the way we let go of old shoes or spent linens. Sometimes, there just isn’t time to keep up with everyone, people need to let go of some old friends to make room for new ones, new passions, or just space.

I suppose I’ve done the same to people in my life, though I can’t recall. It’s easy, as I charge forward, juggling kids, work, gym classes, and plans, to forget about the people I must of forgotten to call back, or follow up with.

It’s the holidays, so the people I’ve loved feel especially absent, because this is the time of year when we lean towards those who are most important in our lives.

Please, don’t feel bad for me. I have a plethora of people who pick up the phone when I call, even those who hate picking up the phone- “Julie, really, you could have texted!” I have people who remember my birthday and can tell you the last time I had a cold and the first time, and hopefully, last, I fixed the dishwasher. I have friends that “like” the multitudes of dog pictures I post, even if they are all starting to look like the last one, friends who bring me books, really good books, and leave them on my doorstep, just because.

So I’m good. I have plenty of friends and people who love me. I’m just missing a few and felt like telling the world in case you are missing someone, too.

We can miss our people together until we stop missing them.

Soon enough, focus will shift to the people in my life who really want me to be there.

While I’m waiting, I will take the dogs for a walk. There is rain and wind in the forecast. All I have to do is hold out a few leashes, and soon enough, Jack will step on my foot, Chanel will steal the ball from Bernie, and I’ll be too busy looking for poop bags to fuss about some people I used to know.

Happy Holidays!

The dogs I love.

October 1, 2023

When I was lying on the sofa this morning, reading the paper, sipping coffee, I glanced up at the ceiling. A hook hangs there that Sheldon, my husband, used to hang our dog Sophia’s lactated ringers, bags that hold fluids for people and animals that are dehydrated. Every other day, he would slip the solution on the metal hook and thread an iv into Sophie’s shoulder. When we started to give her fluids at home whenever she saw the bag and the tubes, I would have to herd her to the couch, and lift her up, her body dead weight in my arms while Sheldon set up the medication. Towards, the end, she was on the couch most of the time.

She suffered from liver and kidney failure. The fluids and appetite stimulants helped her live four years after our vet suggested she had about two months left.

Mostly, she was fine. She’d roll in the grass, swim at Houghton’s, stand by the fence and bark at whoever strolled by our yard. She was fierce- a snarling and growling menace to all that approached, but if a brave soul offered her a cookie, she’d pause, eat the cookie, then go back to the business of barking.

When it became hard for her to walk down the stairs, I started a tradition so that she’d join us at bedtime. It consisted of me bringing treats down to the bedroom, while she watched, and then calling to her “Sophie, cookie party!”

Sophie liked snacks. Sometimes it took a few minutes, but after a minute or three, I’d hear her toenails on the stairs. Most of the time, she’d find the strength to jump on the bed.

(Reading this, I’m a bit horrified; I made my sick dog stagger down the stairs for treats because I slept better with her sweetly snoring at the foot of the bed? In my mind, I was convinced that was where she wanted to be, too, but in retrospect, maybe I should have let her rest. I will say that in the morning, or in the middle of the night, if she needed to go outside, Sheldon, my husband, always carried her back up the stairs.)

One night, about a year before she died, it was clear it would be unkind to make her climb down, and we had our cookie party on the landing at the top of the stairs. She gobbled peanut butter bones from my hand before sighing, and turning, to walk back to her bed by the fireplace. I texted my mother Sophie and I had just had the “last cookie party”. I barely slept.

The next morning, she was fine, and life resumed as normal until it wasn’t. In the period of a week, she faded fast and died, with her head resting on the back of my hand, while I stroked her back.

I miss her. I think she looks down at the house today, and figures she left us just in time.

We have three dogs now. The first is Chanel. My son brought her home to keep him company while on house arrest. Sophie tolerated her, and she learned from Sophia that every person who passes our fence is a potential threat and must be warned, loudly, to move along. Nelly looks like a combination of Winston Churchill and my mother-in law. Her favorite room in the house is Colin’s bedroom, even though he lives elsewhere. When life becomes too hectic, she curls up on the bed and chews on his comforter. She is fiercely determined- she loves to fetch a tennis ball but refuses to give it back. She comes when called, and will move over when I’m trying to get into bed, but in her own time. She likes to keep everyone waiting and is well aware she is worth waiting for.

Bernadette is the middle child. She is a french bulldog, short haired, bulbous eyes, huge pointy ears- she looks a bit like Yoda but less attractive. She is restless and nervous, happy to join in with Chanel to protect our home from all the dangerous babies, walkers, and other dogs who pass by. Sometimes, if I’m watching television, she’ll jump on my chest to lean over and kiss/bite my nose. Just once. She then returns to her business, which is terrorizing Chanel, the cat, Sheldon, a piece of cardboard, whatever has landed on her radar. Balloons, her own reflection, other dogs outside the car window, and the blender, all send her into hysterical fits of barking to the point where I am afraid she’s going to have convulsions. But it passes. We no longer allow balloons in the house, though.

Last, definitely last, there is Jack. He is only five months old, so I’m still getting to know him. He doesn’t follow Chanel and Bernadette outside every time a bird flies by or someone gets out the car across the street. He feels they are doing a fine job protecting our home. He’s happiest napping, in his crate, in front of the television, or in my lap on the way to work. Like all puppies, he likes to chew things, but when I say “Jack, give it back, ” he returns whatever his current object to my feet, unless it’s food or something he considers food, which could be Q-tip or a cereal box. Then, it’s a bit of a challenge, and sometimes he wins. This exchange is quite taxing for the little guy, so most of the time, after I’ve confiscated something, he goes to sleep. His disinterest in exercise and incredible appetite are probably why he looks more like a meatloaf every day.

All three of them sleep with us, though arrangements become complicated in the middle of the night, when Chanel decides it’s too warm under the covers or Jack takes an interest in chewing on Bernadette’s tail.

Before we turn out the light, as soon as everyone, human and canine, has found their spot, we have our cookie party. I’m trying to teach them tricks, but I’ve found bedtime isn’t the right time for training.

It’s a party, after all. Right, Sophie?

I’ve gotten used to the quiet without Colin or Kate; my nineteen year old and twenty three year old have both left for the summer, one for school, one for good, maybe.

I don’t automatically shout at the speaker to play the radio when I walk in the door.

I don’t feel like anything or anyone is missing when I’m home unless Sheldon has the dogs out for a walk.

I miss life ten years ago, until I remember conversations about homework, clothes on the stairs, the phone calls from school.

Then, on the ride to work, Facebook memories turn up on my phone, which I’m staring at because it’s too early for conversation. (Social media is just the right amount of human engagement before 8 am. I can quietly judge people and then step away before I’m disgusted I’m judging people.)

I want time to move backwards. I want to yell out to the adults, standing at the bus stop-“enjoy all of this. It will pass, they will drive, and then they will drive away.”

I spot tired parents, dressed for work parents, and parents who look happy to be there, who know what I know now and didn’t know then, even a little.

I don’t remember the last time I walked Katy to the bus. One day, I was holding her hand and squinting my eyes and the next, she was walking with friends.

It is fall, and I’m settling into the season. I like wearing slippers and hearing the leaves crackle under my feet while I walk in the woods, I won’t miss mud or mosquitos.

As long as no one tries to make me drink a pumpkin spice latte, I’ll be fine.

Seasons change. I have changed.

I wish I knew then what I know now, but at least I’ve learned something along the way.

I’d really like to tell you

September 16, 2023

Tonight, I’d like to tell you that sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice when I left Quincy College.

I’d love to describe what it’s like at my new job, at Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Science, how it feels to have an office, with a door, and that sunflowers became my favorite flowers when I found them on my desk that first day.

I want to tell you about this summer- how awesome it was to spend time with Kate, without the shadow of Colin, in the next room or just upstairs, barking into the phone or playing video games with the volume all the way up. He was at home for a year and a half, on house arrest, because someone found a large quantity of pot in his apartment.

Since he’s been gone, I text him a few times a week. I answer his calls, even if I’m in the shower or with a student.

I set out today with my friend Alison for a final dip at Nantasket, even though the forecast called for scattered showers. When the downpour started, we both turned around and headed to Derby Street, for some mediocre mussels and a decent cucumber Margarita.

I’m grateful I had time with Alison, she was one of my best friends at QC. I like the sweater I bought at Kohls. I am coming to terms that we probably won’t go to the beach again until next year, unless it’s to watch the dogs play in the water, while we shiver on the boardwalk and wonder if summer will ever come around again.

I’d like to share what it feels like to throw my body in front of a wave and be lifted for a second or two before landing, sometimes on my feet, sometimes on my ass, when it’s done. It takes a long, long time to get used to water temperatures of 58 to 65 degrees. It can take a half an hour, at least ,with the numb all the way up my body until, slowly, my toes and my knees wake, my muscles unclench. The water feels cold and glorious, but it takes time and patience. A person shouldn’t go to the beach in Massachusetts if they are on tight schedule, unless they usually swim in Maine, where the water is much colder. I liked thinking about swimming in the ocean, tonight, while I wrote this.

It amazes me what me body and soul can get used to, when I take my time. This can be both glorious and dangerous, if you think about it.

The summer, we spent a lot of time at the beach, walking the dogs, or putting off things that need to be done.

Last week, I made a list-

Our dishwasher leaks, the ice maker is on strike, and both our cars have check engine lights blazing, 80 percent of the time.

My laptop won’t connect to the internet. My watch won’t connect to my phone.

The new espresso machine makes lousy espresso.

I just spent a half an hour in the park after dark because the dogs really needed the space and the cool night air.

It’s been hot. Or I’m cold, in a house or an office with the air conditioner dripping rivers outside the window and frost from the vents.

There has not been much time for reflection or even group exercise classes.

But there is enough for yoga in the living room, with Chanel climbing my leg Bernadette sprawling under my plank, and Jack climbing Chanel.

There is enough time for phone calls to the people I love who are far, and a walk or a meal with the people I love who are close.

There is time for sleep, and a few minutes of a an ancient Pat Conroy novel just before.

There will be time, soon enough, to deal with the ice maker, the Buick, and the lack of lattes. My priorities are different than they used to be.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow, and tomorrow is Monday, so I’d say my life is pretty damn good.