The dogs I love.

October 1, 2023

When I was lying on the sofa this morning, reading the paper, sipping coffee, I glanced up at the ceiling. A hook hangs there that Sheldon, my husband, used to hang our dog Sophia’s lactated ringers, bags that hold fluids for people and animals that are dehydrated. Every other day, he would slip the solution on the metal hook and thread an iv into Sophie’s shoulder. When we started to give her fluids at home whenever she saw the bag and the tubes, I would have to herd her to the couch, and lift her up, her body dead weight in my arms while Sheldon set up the medication. Towards, the end, she was on the couch most of the time.

She suffered from liver and kidney failure. The fluids and appetite stimulants helped her live four years after our vet suggested she had about two months left.

Mostly, she was fine. She’d roll in the grass, swim at Houghton’s, stand by the fence and bark at whoever strolled by our yard. She was fierce- a snarling and growling menace to all that approached, but if a brave soul offered her a cookie, she’d pause, eat the cookie, then go back to the business of barking.

When it became hard for her to walk down the stairs, I started a tradition so that she’d join us at bedtime. It consisted of me bringing treats down to the bedroom, while she watched, and then calling to her “Sophie, cookie party!”

Sophie liked snacks. Sometimes it took a few minutes, but after a minute or three, I’d hear her toenails on the stairs. Most of the time, she’d find the strength to jump on the bed.

(Reading this, I’m a bit horrified; I made my sick dog stagger down the stairs for treats because I slept better with her sweetly snoring at the foot of the bed? In my mind, I was convinced that was where she wanted to be, too, but in retrospect, maybe I should have let her rest. I will say that in the morning, or in the middle of the night, if she needed to go outside, Sheldon, my husband, always carried her back up the stairs.)

One night, about a year before she died, it was clear it would be unkind to make her climb down, and we had our cookie party on the landing at the top of the stairs. She gobbled peanut butter bones from my hand before sighing, and turning, to walk back to her bed by the fireplace. I texted my mother Sophie and I had just had the “last cookie party”. I barely slept.

The next morning, she was fine, and life resumed as normal until it wasn’t. In the period of a week, she faded fast and died, with her head resting on the back of my hand, while I stroked her back.

I miss her. I think she looks down at the house today, and figures she left us just in time.

We have three dogs now. The first is Chanel. My son brought her home to keep him company while on house arrest. Sophie tolerated her, and she learned from Sophia that every person who passes our fence is a potential threat and must be warned, loudly, to move along. Nelly looks like a combination of Winston Churchill and my mother-in law. Her favorite room in the house is Colin’s bedroom, even though he lives elsewhere. When life becomes too hectic, she curls up on the bed and chews on his comforter. She is fiercely determined- she loves to fetch a tennis ball but refuses to give it back. She comes when called, and will move over when I’m trying to get into bed, but in her own time. She likes to keep everyone waiting and is well aware she is worth waiting for.

Bernadette is the middle child. She is a french bulldog, short haired, bulbous eyes, huge pointy ears- she looks a bit like Yoda but less attractive. She is restless and nervous, happy to join in with Chanel to protect our home from all the dangerous babies, walkers, and other dogs who pass by. Sometimes, if I’m watching television, she’ll jump on my chest to lean over and kiss/bite my nose. Just once. She then returns to her business, which is terrorizing Chanel, the cat, Sheldon, a piece of cardboard, whatever has landed on her radar. Balloons, her own reflection, other dogs outside the car window, and the blender, all send her into hysterical fits of barking to the point where I am afraid she’s going to have convulsions. But it passes. We no longer allow balloons in the house, though.

Last, definitely last, there is Jack. He is only five months old, so I’m still getting to know him. He doesn’t follow Chanel and Bernadette outside every time a bird flies by or someone gets out the car across the street. He feels they are doing a fine job protecting our home. He’s happiest napping, in his crate, in front of the television, or in my lap on the way to work. Like all puppies, he likes to chew things, but when I say “Jack, give it back, ” he returns whatever his current object to my feet, unless it’s food or something he considers food, which could be Q-tip or a cereal box. Then, it’s a bit of a challenge, and sometimes he wins. This exchange is quite taxing for the little guy, so most of the time, after I’ve confiscated something, he goes to sleep. His disinterest in exercise and incredible appetite are probably why he looks more like a meatloaf every day.

All three of them sleep with us, though arrangements become complicated in the middle of the night, when Chanel decides it’s too warm under the covers or Jack takes an interest in chewing on Bernadette’s tail.

Before we turn out the light, as soon as everyone, human and canine, has found their spot, we have our cookie party. I’m trying to teach them tricks, but I’ve found bedtime isn’t the right time for training.

It’s a party, after all. Right, Sophie?

I’ve gotten used to the quiet without Colin or Kate; my nineteen year old and twenty three year old have both left for the summer, one for school, one for good, maybe.

I don’t automatically shout at the speaker to play the radio when I walk in the door.

I don’t feel like anything or anyone is missing when I’m home unless Sheldon has the dogs out for a walk.

I miss life ten years ago, until I remember conversations about homework, clothes on the stairs, the phone calls from school.

Then, on the ride to work, Facebook memories turn up on my phone, which I’m staring at because it’s too early for conversation. (Social media is just the right amount of human engagement before 8 am. I can quietly judge people and then step away before I’m disgusted I’m judging people.)

I want time to move backwards. I want to yell out to the adults, standing at the bus stop-“enjoy all of this. It will pass, they will drive, and then they will drive away.”

I spot tired parents, dressed for work parents, and parents who look happy to be there, who know what I know now and didn’t know then, even a little.

I don’t remember the last time I walked Katy to the bus. One day, I was holding her hand and squinting my eyes and the next, she was walking with friends.

It is fall, and I’m settling into the season. I like wearing slippers and hearing the leaves crackle under my feet while I walk in the woods, I won’t miss mud or mosquitos.

As long as no one tries to make me drink a pumpkin spice latte, I’ll be fine.

Seasons change. I have changed.

I wish I knew then what I know now, but at least I’ve learned something along the way.

I don’t want to go back and read what I wrote about three weeks ago. I’m pretty sure it was a softspoken couple of lines about the impending death of my Sweetest of Dogs, Sophie, also known as Mrs. Blackburn.

Maybe, I talked about carrying her down the stairs to a final cookie party, or our trip to the pond so she could move in the water. On land, she could only stagger, or lurch, or sigh, sit, and rearrange her paws around her body to look up at me as if I had inflicted her with aging joints and rapidly advancing kidney disease.

Let’s be clear. It’s been three years since she started dying. I’ve written similar elegies. I’ve had my minister mention her name at church and more than one drink put on someone else’s tab after I spilled the sad story of Sophie the Magnificent, aka Mrs. Blackburn.

But three weeks ago, well- I’ve never had to carry her to and from the car before. I’ve never had to lift her onto the sofa, the low one, where we forcefeed her meds, my husband prying open her jaws with two hands, and me dropping the crushed up powder in, sliding in down a folded square of cardboard. I gave up all pretense of healthy dog food, gave her Sheldon’s leftover steak, with a smear of catfood on top, and a little bit of buffalo chicken for bedtime snack.

That was three weeks ago. And for those of you who know just how bad it was, I gotta tell you now-

She’s fine again.

She’s climbs up and down the stairs three times a night, because sometimes at three am, Mrs. Blackburn likes to look at the stars, take a drink from the toilet, or chase Michael the cat. She is still fussy as hell, but is starting to realize we’ve noticed she eats the healthy dog food when we’re not looking.

I sent Sheldon to the store yesterday for another case of the damn stuff, I think it’s four bucks a can. I didn’t want to send him to the store until I was sure, well, you know.

She had a fight with the neighbor’s dog this morning, which translates to when the tiny grey poodle walked by, owner following behind on the phone, Sophia the Fierce, tore out the back door to the fence, where she alternated fierce, ear splitting barks with deep throated, impressive growls.

She’s fine again, though that dog from this morning might disagree.

I was going to say, I’m looking forward to taking her for granted again, but I don’t think I will.

Winter’s close, and it’s time to stay close to those that we love.

Sophia, The Kindest Of Queens will keep us warm and safe until spring. We need her this year more than ever.

Tonight was all about dogs, daughters and dads.

I took Sophie the sweetest and a puppy named Gunner to Turners Pond for a ramble under the moon.

Katy and a friend followed behind, i don’t know if they agreed to come along because Katy is kind, and I spend a lot of time alone walking the dog. Or if the simple fact that the wind had stopped and the moonlit fooled her into thinking it was warmer than it was- I don’t know.

Ahead, the dogs and I ran, and slowed and sniffed (they sniffed, I watched them sniff and tried not to think about what they were sniffing) and ran and jogged and trotted and stopped.

I was listening to Neil Diamond.

I grew up listening to Neil Diamond. My dad died when I was 20, yet when I put the headphones in my ears, and put on Cracklin Rosie, and turned it UP, I could hear Dad’s voice, singing along. There was the most subtle hint of the South in his voice, and he stayed right on key.

So I walked around the pond five times. I was watching the dogs, running alongside the dogs, waiting for the dogs.

I was catching little pieces of Katy and her friend’s conversation. They are 12 year old girls and they do not giggle. At least not when I’m within earshot. I think they were discussing a science test, or how Katy never lets the power go below 1% on her phone, or what kind of dog they want when they grow up. Twelve year old girls, smart 12 year old girls, aren’t the most interesting subjects for eavesdropping.

Maybe they were speaking in code.

And right next to me, inside my head, was my dad. He was singing alongside Neil Diamond, and actually sounded better than the pop star. I was listening to one of more recent albums, way after Love on the Rocks.

I thought about switching to one of the records Dad and I used to listen to- Tap Root Manuscript, or Stones, so I could remember what Mr. Diamond sounded like in his prime.

But I wasn’t listening to “Solitary Man” or “Sweet Caroline”. I was remembering my dad’s voice, how he used to always sing “Something” by the Beatles in the shower leave records all over the dining room table, how proud he looked while he watched me play my flute and the night he spent four hours listening to the “Wild and Innocent and the EStreet Shuffle” in attempt to try to understand what I liked about Bruce Spring. “Julie, he can’t sing. I mean, really, he can’t sing.”

I hadn’t remembered my father’s voice for a long time until tonight.

Dogs, Daughters and Dad.

The last song I listened to was “Thank The Lord for the Night Time.” Dad always liked that song, I think it was pretty much his party anthem.

My wild nights are home with kids, or at the gym, or following Sophia around with a bag in my hand.

But I am my father’s daughter. I may go to bed early by his standards, but I never wake up until after dark.

That’s when I’m wide awake. That’s when I make time to listen.

     Tonight called for a long, leisurely stroll around Turner’s Pond with Sophie, Katy, my eight year old, and her two friends, Thanh and Tue. We took off around 6:30.
     The sun glowed orange and red, the girls raced on ahead playing tag, i think. I was listening to Michael Frante on headphones. From time to time I’d pause for the awkward conversation between fellow dog walkers that happens while our respective dogs sniffed each other’s respective butts.

      At the end of the walk, I left the girls to collect the Wonder Pup so I could catch up on Words with Friends and beat my mother, (another story.)
      Suddenly I heard “Sophie’s looking for something…” Next “Sophie’s chasing chickens. Mom, she’s chasing the chickens and I don’t think they like it.” Immediately followed by “Sophie’s in the CHICKEN COOP!”
     Let me make this clear, I don’t take my family and my dog walking on a farm or anywhere near a farm. This was Turner’s Pond, where at best I thought she’d chase some ducks. Ducks who have wings and know how to use them. Maybe some geese, who might teach her a lesson and bite her on the nose.
     So when I sprinted thru the woods, I had no idea what I was looking for, I was just following the sounds of little girl screams, an occasional bark, and some panting.
     Set back from the path, there it was. A chicken coop, and just outside the coop a yard, the whole thing all neatly penned in with chicken wire. “Katy, where’s Sophie?” “She’s inside.” I lifted the roof of the chicken coop, and there she was, in a space about the size of the inside of a very small oven, accompanied by three very scared chickens.
     Katy ran away crying. Sophie looked at me and tried to wag her tail, though it was difficult, given that chicken coops, by definition, are on the small side. The chickens cowered, Sophie wagged and smiled. She was ready to settle down for a sleepover with poultry.
     “Tue, Thanh, help me!” The girls lifted up the roof the chicken coop so I was able to reach in and pry Sophie, all 52 very reluctant pounds of puppy, out of our feathered friends home.
     The sun was down by the time we left the Pond, Katy’s tears were dry by the time we left the pond, and on our way home from the pond, I promised Tue and Thanh a trip to the yogurt bar.
     But not tonight. I’m still looking for long and leisurely, so right now, I’m heading upstairs for a bath. Tomorrow, I’ll go apologize to the chickens.